Is it a Lie

The following is an excerpt from Richard Alleyne's book “Lying Children Will Grow Up To Be Successful Citizens.”

“Researchers have found that the ability to tell fibs at the age of two is a sign of a fast developing brain and means they are more likely to have successful lives. They found that the more plausible the lie, the more quick witted they will be in later years and the better their ability to think on their feet. It also means that they have developed ‘executive function’ – the ability to invent a convincing lie by keeping the truth at the back of their mind.
Parents should not be alarmed if their child tells a fib, said Dr. Kang Lee, director of the Institute of Child Study at Toronto University who carried out the research. Almost all children lie. Those who have better cognitive development lie better because they can cover up their tracks. Lying involves multiple brain processes, such as integrating sources of information and manipulating the data to their advantage. It is linked to the development of brain regions that allow ‘executive functioning’ and use higher order thinking and reasoning.

Dr. Lee and his team tested 1,200 children aged two to 16 years old. A majority of the volunteers told lies but it is the children with better cognitive abilities who can tell the best lies. At the age of two, 20 percent of children will lie. This rises to 50 per cent by three and almost 90 percent at four. The most deceitful age, they discovered, was 12, when almost every child tells lies. The tendency starts to fall away by the age of 16, when it is 70 per cent. As adulthood approaches, young people learn instead to use the less harmful ‘white lies’ that everyone tells to avoid hurting people’s feelings.

Researchers say there is no link between telling fibs in childhood and any tendency to cheat in exams or to become a fraudster later in life. Nor does strict parenting or a religious upbringing have any impact. Dr. Lee said that catching your children lying was not a bad thing but should be exploited as a ‘teachable moment’. “You shouldn’t smack or scream at your child but you should talk about the importance of honesty and the negativity of lying.” Excerpt from Richard Alleyne’s book “Lying Children Will Grow Up To Be Successful Citizens.”

I’ve heard many stories from adults who were hurt in their homes when they were children. Most often they didn’t tell anyone, but for those who told about the violence, many were not believed.

When I was in group therapy with other women working hard to heal from childhood sexual abuse, we were told by the facilitators, “Most often family members will not believe you when you tell them bad things about your Mom or Dad. I watched many of my fellow survivors wrestle with the alliances made in their families. Not only did their siblings not believe them, they were shunned for saying such awful things about their parents.

Although children enjoy making up stories, I don’t believe a child will lie about being physically, emotionally or sexually abused by a parent. That child has fears on many levels and will keep it a secret.

I’m always surprised when an adult says to me, “Be careful what you write about, kids get ideas and then say it happened to them when it didn’t.” What? Why would a child out of the blue for no reason at all say, “Mom hurt me,” or “Mom pulled me out of my bedroom and pushed me down the stairs,” or “Mom touched me and I didn’t like it,” or “I don’t like it when Dad touches me.” Those statements are not lies from children. Those statements are near to impossible for a child to say. So why are adults so quick to say, “The child made up the story?” Who’s telling the lie now?

I was the office manager at a mental health clinic and while I worked there, a therapist was sued twice by the parents of two clients. In both cases the attorneys stated the therapist put ideas in her client’s head. Again, I say, “Why?” Why would a therapist do that? What does the therapist have to gain in doing that? It’s sad that we’re so quick to believe the mother, the father, the attorney, the judge, anyone but the person who is saying something bad was done to them by a parent.

Every year two and a half million children are harmed and neglected, picture the size of Chicago. Everyday more than three children die from violence and neglect. Why is it we still can’t look at what’s happening in our homes. Violence was in my parent’s homes while they grew up, it was in my home growing up and it won’t go away until we accept the fact that bad things are still happening. Violence is not prejudice; it lives in the richest of homes and the poorest. No one wants to admit to it being in their home; why? Because they don’t want to break up the family? By not allowing the truth to come out, the family is already broken. By not believing your sibling, the only person that breaks is the one who was hurt to begin with.

I was abused by both my parents. I wrote two books about it and I talk about violence in the home whenever I can. I am extremely fortunate to have a brother and sister who are supportive, and I don’t take their support for granted, I know it is rare.

Why would I lie? What do I have to gain in making up stories about my parents? Our family has not changed. I still love both my parents. My siblings still love our parents. Why do people think that will change? It is possible to bring the truth out and still love each other.

Instead of running away from violence in the home, start embracing it. The pain, hurt and distrust is there regardless of what we do or not do. Bring it out into the open and support each other as the family heals together.

When a child says something bad has happened to them in their home by a caregiver, encourage the child to talk about it. If you suspect a child is being harmed or neglected, call 1-800-422-4453. One child saved at a time will eventually help another child and before long families will talk about the awful things that happened in their home. Families will discover, they are not alone or unique, it’s happening in a lot homes. Violence happens a lot.

When every adult is held accountable for harming our children, then our adults will stop harming our children.